I used to think that kids just lived in their own little worlds — all cartoons, snacks, and scraped knees. But the older I get (and especially now that I’m a parent), the more I realize how incredibly perceptive children really are. They don’t miss nearly as much as we think they do. Sure, they may not have the vocabulary to articulate what they see, but they absorb everything. The tone in our voice. The tightness in our body language. The silence between two adults. The way we talk about ourselves. How we treat others when we think no one’s watching. And it shapes them — quietly, profoundly.
We think we’re teaching them only when we sit down for “teachable moments,” but honestly? Most of what they learn comes from the things we don’t even realize we’re doing.
Here are some of the biggest things kids notice — even when we think they’re too young or too distracted to pick up on it.
1. How We Talk to (and About) Our Spouse or Partner
You could be saying all the right things to your kids, but if you’re disrespectful, dismissive, or cold toward your spouse, they see it. They internalize it. They feel it.
Kids notice the eye rolls. The heavy sighs. The way we interrupt or talk over each other. The way we avoid each other when we’re mad, or how affection seems to disappear when we’re stressed.
They also notice how we don’t show love. If they never see us hug, say “I love you,” or laugh together, they learn that this is what adult relationships are “supposed” to be like.
A mom once shared with me that her daughter asked, “Why do you always talk to Daddy like you’re mad at him?” That one floored her. She hadn’t even realized how sharp her tone had gotten during the daily grind — rushing through dinner, organizing the kids, juggling everything. But her daughter noticed. And that moment was a wake-up call: the way we speak to our partners becomes the script our children use for their own future relationships.
2. Whether or Not We Enjoy Spending Time With Them
It’s not enough to just be with our kids physically. They can tell if we actually want to be there.
They see the way we glance at our phones in the middle of a board game. They hear the flat tone in our voice when we read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” for the sixth time in a row. They notice when we say, “Maybe later” for the tenth time that day, and somehow “later” never comes.
They pick up on when we’re just going through the motions. When our minds are elsewhere. When we’re more interested in finishing the dishes or sending one more email than sitting with them on the floor for a few minutes.
And on the flip side, they glow when we’re all in. They can feel when we’re present — not perfect, not Pinterest-worthy — just there, really there.
3. How We Talk About Ourselves
This one might surprise you. Kids notice how we talk about ourselves — and that sets the foundation for how they’ll one day speak about themselves, too.
If they hear us groan in front of the mirror and mutter, “Ugh, I look terrible,” or say things like, “I’m such an idiot,” they’re taking notes. They’re learning what it looks like to judge ourselves, to shrink ourselves, to critique ourselves harshly.
Even if we think we’re hiding our insecurities, kids often pick up on them through our subtle behaviors — avoiding photos, making jokes at our own expense, obsessing over weight, or never accepting compliments.
What would it look like if they saw us say instead, “I’m proud of myself today” or “I don’t feel great in my body today, but I’m still grateful for it”? What if they saw us celebrate ourselves instead of critique?
4. How We Treat Waiters, Cashiers, and Strangers
If you want to know how someone really is, watch how they treat people they don’t “need” to be nice to. And you’d better believe your kids are watching, too.
They notice if you say thank you to the grocery store clerk. They notice if you make eye contact with the janitor. They notice if you treat people like they matter — even when there’s nothing in it for you.
Kindness isn’t taught by lecturing about it. It’s taught in the 5-second interactions at the gas station or in the way you wave at the neighbor across the street. It’s in the way you speak about people when they’re not around. These moments plant seeds in their hearts, even when we don’t realize it.
5. How We Handle Anger and Frustration
I once saw a quote that said, “Your kids aren’t testing you — they’re watching you handle the tests of life.” That hit me hard.
When the dog throws up on the rug or we’re stuck in traffic or a bill goes unpaid, our kids are paying attention. Not just to what happens, but to how we respond.
Do we blow up? Do we slam cabinets? Do we go silent? Do we blame other people?
Of course, no one handles every moment perfectly. We’re all human. But even our recovery — how we apologize, how we cool down, how we problem-solve — is being watched.
Kids learn whether emotions are something to explode, suppress, or process. Let’s try to show them the third one, even if it takes practice.
6. The Way We Talk About Other People
“Oh, she gained so much weight.”
“I can’t believe they let their kid behave like that.”
“Ugh, he’s so annoying.”
We may think they’re just offhanded adult comments, but kids soak up those judgments like sponges. They start forming a worldview based on how we describe others — and they may begin to wonder what we say about them when they’re not around.
On the flip side, when we speak kindly about others, even when it’s tempting not to — they notice that, too. They learn that compassion is strength, not weakness.
7. Whether We Practice What We Preach
This one stings, but it’s important. Kids can spot hypocrisy a mile away.
We tell them to be honest, but they watch us lie on the phone: “Tell them I’m not home.”
We tell them to say sorry, but they never hear us say it ourselves.
We tell them to be brave, but they hear us say “I can’t do that” at the slightest challenge.
And here’s a big one: we tell them to be patient — to take turns, to wait, to calm down — but then we turn around and snap at them the moment they don’t do exactly what we want. We get short with them when they move too slowly, when they’re distracted, when they don’t listen the first time. They see it. They feel it. And it teaches them that patience is expected from them, but not for them.
Our kids may not always have the words to call us out, but they feel these inconsistencies. And it can quietly erode trust over time.
One of the most powerful things we can say to our children is, “You’re right. I didn’t do what I said I would. I’m working on that.” That’s real. That’s growth. That’s modeling.
8. When We’re Stressed — and What We Do About It
You don’t have to say a word. Your stress walks into the room with you.
Kids can sense it in our shoulders. Our silence. The snapping tone. The way we pace or sigh or get easily overwhelmed.
They may not understand the “why” behind it, but they feel it. And when we never talk about it — when we pretend we’re “fine” but we clearly aren’t — they learn to ignore their own emotions or feel responsible for ours.
On the other hand, when we say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths,” we teach them how to name emotions and take care of themselves. That’s gold.
9. How We Spend Our Free Time
Where our time goes tells our kids what we value.
Do they see us scrolling endlessly on our phones, or do they see us curled up with a book? Do they see us doom-scrolling through the news, or going for a walk and noticing the sky?
If we say family is the most important thing, but we always prioritize work, chores, or screens, they get mixed messages.
Of course, not every moment has to be magical. But how we choose to spend the little slices of time tells our kids a lot about what matters.
10. If We’re Still Growing — Or If We’ve Given Up
Maybe the most powerful thing kids pick up on — without us realizing it — is whether we’re still learning and growing ourselves.
Are we trying new things, or are we stuck in routines that drain us? Do we have hobbies, dreams, or goals, or have we decided that’s for “other people”?
Kids don’t just want us to tell them they can be anything. They want to see that we believe it’s possible for ourselves, too.
When we try something new, take a risk, or admit we’re still figuring things out, we give them permission to do the same.
Final Thoughts: They’re Always Listening, Even When We’re Not Talking
The truth is, kids notice more than we think — not because they’re trying to catch us, but because they’re learning from us, moment by moment. Not just how to behave, but how to be.
They’re watching to see what love looks like. What patience feels like. What self-worth sounds like. What kindness, honesty, courage, and joy look like in real life.
And here’s the best part: even if we’ve messed up (and we all do), it’s never too late. Kids are incredibly forgiving, especially when they see us trying. When we take a deep breath and say, “I didn’t handle that well,” or “Let’s try that again,” it teaches them that growth isn’t about being perfect — it’s about being present and willing.
So the next time you catch yourself mid-snap, mid-sigh, or mid-scroll, just remember: those little eyes are watching. Not to judge — but to learn. Let’s give them something worth imitating.
If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What have your kids picked up on that surprised you? What have you noticed in hindsight? Let’s keep learning — together.